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hyemiyahJunmyeon goes on a road trip and ends up finding himself along the way.
Originally written for suholiday, and posted here.
Thank you to my good friends, Frances, Reeza, and Rin. For their encouragement and patience, and for the late night drinking/writing sessions.
Thank you Sera and Joonie, for putting up with my crazy sleeping schedule and answer when I call.
I’d be nothing without Alicia. I think half of the words are hers. Thank you so much, forever forever.
They're leaving tomorrow. Junmyeon has books: Atwood, Berger, and Yoshimoto. He wonders if he should take more.
"Are three books enough?" Junmyeon frowns. He's asking Jongdae, but his eyes are on the books lying on his bed next to a bag of chips, a journal, and a pen.
"This is a road trip, hyung," Jongdae says a bit sarcastically. "You're not supposed to worry about books. Where is the booze?"
Junmyeon isn’t packing any booze. They'll be taking turns behind the wheel. There shouldn't be booze if they're going to drive. "I don't think booze is a good idea if we're going to take turns driving." He looks at Jongdae and frowns harder.
Jongdae laughs. "I'm not saying we're going to drink and drive," he sounds high-pitched, the way he does when he talks after laughing hard. "Plus, there’s going to be other people."
This takes Junmyeon by surprise. He didn't think there were going to be other people. Jongdae never mentioned other people. It was supposed to be Junmyeon and Jongdae, on the road. Like Sal and Dean.
"Oh," Junmyeon realises it's no use pretending with Jongdae because Jongdae can easily see through him, so he scratches the back of his neck and says, "I just want things to be good."
"It's going to be fun, hyung." Jongdae's confidence makes Junmyeon jealous. Junmyeon worries too much, and Jongdae hardly ever worries at all
Turning his attention back to the pile of clothes and books and chips, Junmyeon throws everything into the travel backpack he once bought on a whim, when he was younger and dreamt about travelling the world, and tries not to worry about running out of things to read.
The summer after Junmyeon graduates from college, he decides to go on a road trip with his best friend.
It'll to be both the first and last road trip for Junmyeon. But for Jongdae it’ll be the first of many. Junmyeon will start working for his father's friend's law firm right after he comes back to Seoul. Jongdae will fly to Beijing and start graduate school on a scholarship.
Junmyeon's grades were good enough to get him a scholarship anywhere he wanted, but his parents didn't like the idea. He wasn't sure if Jongdae's parents liked the idea of sending their youngest child to further his education abroad, to live in cheap pensions and eat too much instant ramyeon. But when Jongdae's mother called him every other night, Junmyeon always heard Jongdae laugh into the phone. Junmyeon's parents never laughed.
The first thing Junmyeon learns about Luhan is the sound of his laugh.
It's early in the morning. Jongdae and Junmyeon walk to the parking lot, where Jongdae's father’s old, beat up Hyundai Grace is parked. Junmyeon notices three guys standing near the car, talking in a different language and laughing.
He recognises the easy flow of Mandarin. Junmyeon had signed up for Mandarin 1 in freshman year, with Jongdae, but he had to drop after the first couple of classes in favour of attending Civil Procedure I instead. He doesn't catch most of what's said.
When Jongdae introduces him, Junmyeon tries to give them a warm smile, despite the churning in his stomach. The tallest guy, Yifan, is intimidating, but the other two seem to be quite kind, and joined at the hip. They could be twins, judging by the way they only need to look at each other to burst out laughing, but they don't look alike at all.
The second thing Junmyeon learns about Luhan is the way he looks when he laughs, his eyes crinkled and jaw nearly disjointed. It's a very unflattering laugh, but Junmyeon has always been fond of imperfections. They make people seem more real.
Luhan's face looks doll-like, too pretty. But then he laughs and Junmyeon remembers he’s human, too.
Junmyeon has the sound of Luhan's laughter memorised by the time they're ready to leave.
Luhan makes his way into Junmyeon's heart without much trouble. It's almost natural. Like the sun setting and the waves crashing.
Jongdae takes the first turn driving. Yixing called shotgun before the rest of them had the chance to even think about it.
Yifan spends the ride staring out the window and listening to music on his phone. Junmyeon glances down, curious about the paperback Yifan has on his lap, but he’s too shy to ask. Yifan has huge hands. Junmyeon's hands are tiny.
Jongdae's playlist consists of him singing random lyrics to the strumming of Yixing's acoustic guitar. It's quite soothing. Junmyeon had no idea Jongdae was so good at singing.
They get to Gyeopko.
"What's that about?" Luhan asks, eyes on the book Junmyeon is reading. "Is it any good?"
Junmyeon looks down at his old copy of Wilderness Tips, and wishes the book offered any tips about the way his heart beats wildly under Luhan's stare.
"It is... yeah." Junmyeon blushes as soon as he meets Luhan's eyes. So he starts clearing the sand out of his towel instead. "It's uhm... a collection of stories... I just love Atwood."
Luhan doesn't seem to make much of Junmyeon's clumsy answer. He plops down next to Junmyeon. Half of his body on Junmyeon's towel, the other half on the sand. "Mmm... read one for me," he says, putting his hands behind his head and closing his eyes. "I suck at reading Hangul. It'll take me forever to finish."
Junmyeon thinks Luhan could be telling the truth, but something tells Junmyeon there's more to it than the simplicity of that. Something like the way Luhan's bare knee feels against Junmyeon's thigh. Junmyeon reads Luhan his favourite story, and Luhan interrupts sometimes, to ask the meaning of some of the words he doesn't know. Junmyeon wishes he could be funny, or less serious, so he could sweep Luhan off his feet.
Jongdae and Yixing build a sand castle , as the sun finally starts to set. Days at the beach always seem endless. Yifan sits on a plastic chair he borrowed from the patbingsoo shop. He's talking on the phone, unaware of what's happening around him. Junmyeon sees him smile, and wonders who's on the other end of the line.
Luhan's knee still presses against Junmyeon's thigh, harder now. Junmyeon watches as Luhan's chest rises up and down in a steady rhythm. His skin glows slightly red. Junmyeon wonders if he put on sun block, if what just happened had any underlying meaning, if the way his heart is beating furiously means anything, if he wants it to mean something. And if Luhan would let him.
They meet up with the girls the next day, in a desolate pension near Byeonsanbando. Yifan was livelier, on the road. He sat shotgun as Junmyeon drove and they chatted, slow-paced and pleasant. Sometimes Luhan butted in and bickered with Yifan a little in Mandarin, Jongdae and Yixing laughing in the back. Junmyeon felt out of place, but when he looked at the rear view mirror he saw Luhan smiling at him, and the feeling disappeared.
Yifan complains about the playlist Luhan picked for the ride.
"I swear if I have to listen to another sad ballad I'm going to jump out of this car," he says. Yixing and Jongdae are fast asleep, Yifan has a point. Luhan groans, apparently offended.
At a red light, they both lean to turn on the radio and accidentally brush hands. Junmyeon learns Yifan's huge hands are as warm as his soft smile.
"Why did you take so long!" one of the girls nags, running to the van as soon as she sees them pull in. She has short, blonde hair and her accent speaks to Junmyeon of foreign places. It sounds a little like Yifan's.
"Junmyeon hyung drives like an old grandfather," Jongdae yawns.
The girl laughs with her mouth wide open. Amber. Junmyeon recognises her, probably from one of the parties Jongdae had often dragged him to.
"Better to be cautious than to almost run over cows." Is Luhan defending him? Junmyeon tries not to think too much about it. After all, Jongdae did almost run over a cow.
"Cows are not supposed to cross the road, okay?" Jongdae retorts. His voice is sharp, but he’s extra careful when he shakes Yixing awake. They get out of the car and Junmyeon startles when he sees Sooyeon there.
"Long time no see." She's as nonchalant as ever. Something about her cold stare makes Junmyeon lose what little confidence he has in himself. The same way her little sister used to.
"Hello," he says, as he feels his stomach churn.
Junmyeon remembers the last time he was kissed. It was snowing outside. He wore formal shoes, and that suit Soojung used to say complemented his eyes.
They ate galbijjim with lots of vegetables and banchan, and drank an entire bottle of wine that warmed Junmyeon's body. He remembers the way Soojung teased him about how fast his cheeks turned pink.
In the jacket of his pocket, Junmyeon had a piece of paper where he had written what he wanted to say. But he held it tight and didn't take it out. Instead he laughed softly as Soojung told him not to hide his smile with the back of his hand. She always said Junmyeon had a lovely smile, and that he should show it. Junmyeon was never all that confident when he was with her. She was everything. He was barely anything.
They walked up and down the streets of Hongdae to a bar with upholstered couches, high ceilings, and cheap drinks. People danced and made out. The place had dim lighting and there were too many people taking pictures. Junmyeon's coat was stolen, with the paper filled with all the words he wanted to say.
Then they went grocery shopping at three in the morning. They bought frozen pizza and glazed donuts, and Junmyeon realised maybe it didn't matter, maybe talking was overrated, maybe this was all that he needed. Sitting at the edge of Soojung's bed, making out between ruffles of silver fabric and watching Family Outing reruns, going to bed like it was a day ago. A week ago. A year ago. Like nothing had changed.
The lines of comfort and intimacy were blurred more every day, but it was all very fragile. Like it could break at any second, could disintegrate to pieces. Like everything might change, or worse, go back to normal.
Junmyeon didn't know what that was, but he thought it had been a good night. Even if he lost his coat with all those words, even still.
They were going out for dinner the day after, too. Junmyeon was wearing that white t-shirt Soojung said was horrid, but secretly loved because Junmyeon's shoulders looked good in them. He hoped it didn't snow, but it did.
He hoped he didn't fall deeper, but he did.
Soojung broke up with him before their 100th day anniversary.
Junmyeon shares a room with Jongdae, Yixing, and Luhan.
They all go to eat at the restaurant next door, since they have no other choice. "If you want snacks and ramyeon, the closest shop is a twenty-minute drive." The ahjumma tells them in Jeolla dialect. Junmyeon loves the way words roll out of her tongue.
The kimchi jjigae is too spicy for Yixing, but he likes it so much he finishes his portion. Even if he has to eat three bowls of rice with it and drink two bottles of water. Jongdae laughs and looks after him fondly, while Luhan calls Yixing funny names in Mandarin with a soft smile that makes Junmyeon's chest tighten.
Yifan sits at a different table, with the ladies. Junmyeon had no idea he was dating Sooyeon.
"So undeserving," Luhan protested earlier, when they were carrying their stuff into their room.
"More like random," Jongdae said. "What do they even talk about?"
But Junmyeon could see they made each other happy. Or as happy as they allowed themselves to show. Junmyeon caught Yifan looking at Sooyeon, and he couldn't help but think that was the same way he looked at Soojung, back when they were together.
Junmyeon hopes Yifan doesn't end up with a broken heart.
They meet Sunyoung after lunch, when they're walking back to their rooms and they have to light the way with their cell phones. She’s tiny, but Junmyeon notices she carries a huge backpack. And even if it's too dark to see clearly, Junmyeon can hear the smile on her voice.
After they say good night to Yifan and the girls, after they settle the blankets on the floor, after they take turns using the bathroom, and turn off the light, and lay next to each other in the dark, Junmyeon tries to remember the last time he felt so content. He comes out empty.
Junmyeon’s life was decided for him ever since he was little. He would become a lawyer, like his father, and his father’s father. He would go to the same college they went to, practise at the same law firm they practised, get married to a girl from a well-off family, and then proceed to make her unhappy by not being able to love her for the rest of his life. They’re supposed to have kids, though. A boy, definitely, so Junmyeon could do to him what his father did to him. It’s an endless cycle. There were times Junmyeon wanted to scream, throw a tantrum, but he never did.
This trip is as close to a tantrum Junmyeon would allow himself to have, and even then he sought permission from his father. “Just remember you’re expected at 9am sharp on Monday morning,” he had said, when they were eating dinner after Junmyeon’s graduation ceremony.
Junmyeon’s eyes burn.
"Ah, I can't sleep," Luhan declares suddenly. Junmyeon startles. He thought everyone was asleep. At least he was sure Jongdae was. He feels Luhan kicking the covers.” Junmyeon should read something to us."
"Or you could just close your eyes and sleep," Yixing scoffs, in his messy Korean. "Hyung must be tired. Don't be a baby and just sleep."
Luhan grunts. It's cute, Junmyeon thinks, how Luhan can get so offended by the littlest things.
Junmyeon wants to say he wouldn't mind reading out loud if that's what Luhan wants. That he wouldn't mind doing all the things Luhan tells him to do, if it means Luhan is going to be happy. That he would like to make Luhan happy. Instead he closes his eyes and falls asleep easily to the sound of Luhan's breathing.
They spend the next day lazing by the pool. The sun is scorching hot. Junmyeon can feel his skin burning so he applies an extra layer of sun block, just to be sure. He has trouble reaching the upper part of his back.
"Do you want me to?" Luhan offers. Junmyeon is lucky he tans so easily, because he's blushing.
"Yeah..." he smiles and unconsciously covers his mouth with the back of his hand. "Thanks."
"You shouldn't cover your mouth when you smile," Luhan's hands are soft against Junmyeon. They make Junmyeon's skin burn hotter than the sun. "You have a lovely smile."
It's the same thing Soojung used to tell him. Junmyeon stills, unable to answer. Luhan's words linger in the air, poignant and important.
Hours later, and Junmyeon can still feel Luhan's gently hands on his back. 'You have a lovely smile,' Luhan said. Junmyeon feels a rush of heat in his stomach.
Junmyeon had If Nobody Speaks Of Remarkable Things half finished. It had amazing sentences and Junmyeon was thinking about restarting it because he wanted to write again, and good sentences and wordsputtogether made him press pen against paper.
Who knew what would come out of it, but Junmyeon knew whatever he wrote was going to be there. It was going to be tangible. Junmyeon needed that.
He just wanted to read that book he left half-finished on Kibum's bed. He wanted to wrap himself up with Kibum's pale green sheets, eat pepero, and drink red wine. He wanted to rest his chin on Kibum's clavicle and to intertwine their legs together. He wanted to kiss Kibum's eyelids and walk barefoot on Kibum's hardwood floors. He wanted to believe that he could capture time and space, even if he didn't have a camera.
Yet everything was so vivid, it burned so bright. Like the sun hitting him in the face and making him squint.
Kim Kibum was everything Junmyeon could never be.
They build a bonfire later that night. There aren't any other guests at the pension, and the owners are happy to have them there. Amber and Sunyoung play with the kids. They go to the shop in Amber's old Daewoo Matiz and come back with ice cream and fireworks.
Yifan and Sooyeon sit by the pool, sipping champagne and smiling from time to time at the kids. Yixing plays his guitar, and Jongdae sings.
Luhan lights the fireworks and everybody sits around the bonfire. The pension’s owners join them with beer and marshmallows. The kids run around excitedly. Luhan and Amber do the same in the opposite direction. Sunyoung takes hundreds of picture that she sends afterwards to their group chat with lots of emoticons and stickers.
Junmyeon laughs, and this time he doesn't cover his mouth. He relishes in the warm feeling spreading through his chest. He wishes he could be more like Luhan. To not have to spend time thinking about doing things but do them. And laugh afterwards without caring if he made a fool out of himself or not. Taste the satisfaction of doing something he wanted to do, just for fun.
Instead he writes in his diary. After everyone else has fallen asleep on the grass, or in their sleeping bags, and the bonfire slowly dies. The sky turns a pale shade of pink, and Junmyeon feels like he is all alone in the world, even if he is surrounded by a lot of people.
Sunyoung wakes up early to watch the sunrise.
"You know, I had a crush on you on freshman year," she confesses in a whisper, as she sits next to Junmyeon by the ashes of the bonfire. She could still be sleeping, but she sounds sincere.
Junmyeon doesn't take his eyes off his journal. He smiles as he finishes writing one last sentence and then feels the warmth of Sunyoung's body next to his. Her legs are bare and Junmyeon worries about mosquito bites, so he covers them with his blanket.
"It's true," she offers Junmyeon a soft, sleepy smile. Junmyeon gives her an earnest one, in return. He doesn't cover it with his hand. She grabs Junmyeon's blanket and tries to cover her little body with it. "You probably didn't know I existed."
He didn't. Junmyeon had been too absorbed with his own life to notice something like that. He regrets not meeting Sunyoung earlier, because something inside him tells him they could have fallen madly in love with each other.
"I'm sorry," he says, a bit nostalgic. They could have made each other so happy. Or at least she could have made Junmyeon happy. Sunyoung's bright smile and easy personality puts Junmyeon at ease. He hasn't felt that in a while. He grieves over the fact that each and every single person he has met on this trip are good people. They are warm and young, and they have their whole lives ahead of them.
But most of all, they make Junmyeon's heart smile.
"You're really dense, aren't you, oppa?" Sunyoung looks at him inquisitively.
Junmyeon frowns, not knowing what to make of Sunyoung's words. "Sorry?"
"I've seen the way you look at him," she lowers her voice, as if she were sharing a secret. "You've been caught."
"Oh." Junmyeon doesn’t really understand, but then she points at Luhan's sleeping body and everything clicks into place. "Oh."
"It's okay. I won't tell anyone," her voice low even though everyone else is still sleeping. Junmyeon thinks it's cute. "I knew about you and Kibum, and you and Soojung before that." She's written her name over and over again in the sand with her index finger. The sun is starting to rise. She's going to miss it. "I used to dream about watching the sunrise with you. I never thought I'd get the chance one day."
Sunyoung doesn't sound sad. She sounds wistful. Junmyeon can relate. He thinks he'd love to watch a sunrise with Luhan, and maybe do lame things like intertwine their fingers or confess how much they love each other. Luhan doesn't look like he'd enjoy any of it, though.
They sit silently, after that. Sunyoung takes too many pictures, and she makes Junmyeon do ridiculous poses with the sun behind him. At first he obliges because he feels apologetic, but soon enough he finds himself enjoying it. Being silly and careless, and capturing Sunyoung's gorgeous smile with the camera.
Luhan gets a fever, from being under the sun for too long. He's gloomy and whinier than usual. But his eyes sparkle just the same.
They're on their way to Mohang, their last stop before they go back to Seoul. Junmyeon dreads their return more and more. He's dreading becoming a lawyer. But most of all he hates the fact that he's not going to be able to show all the journals he's filled with words, with stories. With his life.
Junmyeon only ever showed one of them to his father, who read it in his studio with the doors locked. And then told Junmyeon, the morning after during breakfast, that it'd be better if Junmyeon kept it as a hobby. Lawyers don't write novels about kids falling in and out of love. Junmyeon wanted to stand up, throw his mother's expensive chinaware to the floor, step on the pieces and crush them, the way his father did with his hopes and dreams.
But he was never that brave. Any form of protest or misbehaviour was severely punished in Junmyeon’s childhood house.
The ride isn't supposed to be long, but Yixing keeps misreading the map and they get lost a few times.
"This is not how I imagined spending my last days on this planet," Luhan coughs weakly.
"Oh my God hyung, shut up!" Jongdae scoffs. He's visibly annoyed but for some reason he doesn't want to take it out on Yixing, who is the one at fault. "You're not dying."
Luhan coughs again, harder this time. He flops back down on his seat and says, a little too loud for someone who claims to be dying, "Am too! Junmyeon, tell him."
"He... could be dying?" Junmyeon doesn't want to be part of this. He's going to be neutral. He's going to be Switzerland. "Uhm... are we terribly lost?"
Yixing is still trying to figure out if he's holding the map the right way. Jongdae has the patience of a toddler, Junmyeon has learnt over the years they've been roommates, but he seems to have a big soft spot for Yixing. "Hyung, I think... yeah. Okay. No."
"I'm sorry, Jongdae." For all Junmyeon knows, Yixing does sound apologetic.
"It's okay."
Jongdae stops at a dead end. He and Yixing try to figure out the map. Yixing calls Yifan, but it’s useless since Yifan has no idea where he even was the night before. Apparently Sunyoung knows the way and gives Jongdae directions. They had decided to part ways that morning, after leaving the pension. Yifan and the girls are going to Gwangju, to visit Sunyoung's friends.
"She did love you, you know?" Sooyeon told Junmyeon before leaving. "But I guess in the end she loved herself more." She offers him a lopsided smile, and it's warm. As warm as Yifan's hand had felt that day driving in the car. As warm as the look she has whenever she looks at Yifan, thinking nobody is watching.
Junmyeon offers her a smile of his own, in return. One her little sister liked, and says "I loved her, too." I think I still do, he wants to say, I think part of me will love her forever.
Luhan spends the rest of the ride sleeping with his head resting on Junmyeon's shoulder. Luhan's head burns hot. Junmyeon thinks maybe Luhan’s claims of death were not as preposterous as they thought.
Maybe Luhan's words carried a lot more truth than people believed. 'You have a lovely smile.' Junmyeon chants these words inside his head, like a mantra. It gives him hope. It gives him the courage that he’ll need to cut ties with his family and become a writer. It gives him the freedom he’ll need to be able to finally choose something he wants for himself, and then work towards reaching that goal. It's a scary thought, but it's there, and Junmyeon can feel it as hot as Luhan's head feels in his shoulder.
Junmyeon tries to tell his heart to calm down and not beat so hard, and his brain to not think anything of it. He just met Luhan. He's thinking of throwing his entire college education to the wind and changing his life completely. He can't do this. He can't put his heart on the line again, not when he doesn't know which direction he's going to take.
But then Luhan turns in his sleep and his lips brush Junmyeon's neck ever so softly, and Junmyeon wants to know what it'd feel like to kiss Luhan.
"I'm going to miss this," Jongdae says. They've settled down for the night. Junmyeon had no idea setting up a tent could be so hard, and so much fun.
"I know." Luhan's fever is gone. They let him sleep it off in the car as they set up the tent. The weight of Luhan's head is still heavy on Junmyeon's shoulder, and the warmth of it, too.
Yixing starts playing his guitar. Luhan sings, this time. And Junmyeon's heart grows ten times. His chest is too small to hold it all in.
It's a bittersweet song. That much Junmyeon can tell. He asks Jongdae for a quick translation and Jongdae tells him the song is called The Happiness Of Enduring Hardships Together. Junmyeon looks at Luhan as he sings, full of emotion, and even if he can't understand the words, he realises he can understand Luhan's heart perfectly.
Junmyeon misses the rain. He misses the rain and Seoul, and driveways. Even fences. He thinks they’re strange, the things he misses. Like the subway and the impossibly long, epic huge stairs in stations like Noksapyeong. He misses the moment before opening the door of a house. Little, precise moments like that. The way Luhan's eyes crinkle when he laughs, even if Luhan is still right in front of him.
Junmyeon misses being relevant, most of all. But he has lived more in the past few days they have spent together than in an entire twenty-four years.
He listens to Jongdae singing as Yixing plays his guitar, and it’s an old trot song Junmyeon knows the lyrics of. So he sings along, and as Luhan joins in too, he feels like he belongs right here, right now. In this precise moment, with these people.
Junmyeon is in Mohang. It is summer, but God how sad he feels. It will all be over soon, even if Junmyeon feels like this could be the beginning of something greater than himself.
But maybe it doesn’t have to be the end. He used to think he couldn’t go through it all alone, but now he has people by his side. He has the ending of his story. Now he needs to work on the middle.
They spend their last night drinking cheap wine they purchased at an old mart down the road. Junmyeon is too drunk to stop himself from looking at Luhan too much, and as they walk by the shore Junmyeon spills his soul to him. Luhan comforts him, tells him there will always be a place for him on the flat Luhan shares with Yixing and Yifan.
“You can sleep on the couch,” he says. Junmyeon stores this moment in his heart forever. A week ago, Luhan was just a stranger. He has managed to make a nest in Junmyeon’s heart so easily it makes him feel lightheaded.
"I've never slept on anyone's couch," Junmyeon's words slur, but he doesn't care because Luhan is close, and so very warm.
"It'll be your first, then." It will. Junmyeon thinks about all the first times he's experienced since they started their trip. First time setting up a tent, first time building a bonfire, first time lighting fireworks. First time watching the sunrise with someone at his side. First time he falls in love at first sight, or at first laugh.
Junmyeon tells Luhan every time he sees fireworks he's going to remember him running around like a child. Luhan stops, turns around, and hugs him. And is one of those hugs, face buried in a shoulder, hands on hips, seconds going by, minutes, hours. To Junmyeon it's not enough. It's never going to be enough. But Luhan has Yixing and Yifan, and probably Jongdae, too. And Junmyeon has his family, and his career, and his job. All of which he hates.
"I'll make you a mix tape on your birthday," Luhan says. "I'll sing all the songs."
"I'd like that." Junmyeon smiles against Luhan's shoulder. They're still hugging. Junmyeon wishes they could stay like this forever. "I'll send you a story. One I’ll write."
Luhan pulls away from the hug and beams, as if he knew Junmyeon writes. He probably does. "That'd be awesome, but please don't include difficult words. I'll have to ask Jongdae to read it to me, and I don't want to be indebted to him."
Junmyeon laughs softly at Luhan's antics. He doesn't cover his mouth with his hand; he doesn't do that anymore. "I'll read them for you, then." Luhan nods, like it's the best idea ever. Junmyeon doesn't tell him he'd read all the books to Luhan, if Luhan were to let him.
When they get tired of walking. They sit on the sand. At times they stay silent, at times they laugh. Luhan tells Junmyeon about his past and his present. And the world and its chaos. Junmyeon gets a little sad and tells Luhan he doesn't like talking about his life that much because it depresses him. Luhan says it's okay, and tells Junmyeon more about his life.
Luhan shows Junmyeon the inhabited sadness he keeps well hidden, and Junmyeon takes it in because he knows Luhan doesn't show it to anyone else, because he’s in love with Luhan.
Junmyeon thinks he has to take everything in. It's one of those moments where he feels transparent and isn't afraid to show it. He thinks that if he could stop time, he'd stay in this moment forever. With this burning feeling inside of him, and with Luhan by his side. Junmyeon thinks he can hear Luhan's heartbeat, but then he closes his eyes and listens closely, it's only the sound of the waves.
"I'm in love with you." It's Junmyeon's heart that's speaking, not the dizziness of the alcohol or his sadness. "I'm in love with you." He repeats. But he gets no answer because Luhan is already fast asleep. "Perfect timing," Junmyeon thinks. He blushes, giggles a little, and covers Luhan's body with his jacket.
It rains on their way back to Seoul.
They have instant ramyeon for lunch at a convenience store. This is another first for Junmyeon. Not the ramyeon, but the eating inside a convenience store. He usually ate his meals at the cafeteria or in his room.
Junmyeon tries to find traces of his failed confession in Luhan's eyes, but he sees none. Luhan is as free-spirited and carefree as ever. It breaks Junmyeon's heart and puts it together at the same time. He wonders how could this be, and comes to the realisation that no one could ever explain the complexity of the human's heart.
Love is never having to say you're sorry. Junmyeon used to believe in those words, but now he's finding out saying sorry is the right thing to do if you love someone enough to watch them go because they'll be miserable by your side.
Luhan sits shotgun as Junmyeon drives. He leans into his seat and puts his feet up on the dashboard, humming along the songs on the radio. It feels so real and so natural all Junmyeon wants to do is melt into this perfect moment, maybe taste the sound of Luhan's humming on his tongue.
Something sits, heavy and important, in Junmyeon's stomach the whole ride. He has so much he wants to say to Luhan. Like how much he loves the way Luhan's nose crinkles when he doesn't know exactly what is in his food, or how his curse words and harsh actions contrast his doll-face like. Luhan is a country Junmyeon wants to explore. But the words won't come, and they'll soon reach Seoul.
Junmyeon likes the way he can be so comfortable sharing silence with Luhan the most. Luhan doesn't demand things from Junmyeon, nor did any of the people he met no this trip. Junmyeon will miss everything, doesn't want to let go just yet. But, eventually, he does.
They drop Luhan and Yixing first. Jongdae sits beside him and turns up the volume on the radio. He sings along loudly to old songs as Junmyeon drives and feels like his world is crumbling down.
There are thousands of things Junmyeon regrets not doing. Kissing Luhan is one of them.
Junmyeon spends the rest of the day sulking in his room. Sunday evenings always made Junmyeon gloomy. It's the perfect time to get depressed.
Jongdae lets himself into Junmyeon’s room without even knocking.
"Why are you so messy, hyung?" Jongdae's been asking that question since he moved in. Junmyeon doesn't have an answer. It could be because he's been taught what matters is the exterior, and Junmyeon has always had an impeccable appearance. No one would ever suspect his room of being so messy people can barely step into it. Or it could also be because ever since he was little, there was someone who did things for him, like arranging his scattered clothes on the floor, or deciding his future.
"Did you finish packing?" Junmyeon retorts. Jongdae is leaving in a couple of days. Junmyeon still hasn't found a new roommate. He hasn't even put on an ad, or started looking for one.
"Is this it?" Is this what? Junmyeon wants to ask, but replying to questions with more questions is tiring, and Junmyeon is beyond exhausted. He thinks about Monday morning, and all he wants to do is dig a hole on the ground and lay there forever.
"I don't know what you're talking about," he says instead, realising this is the first time since the road trip they've talked. Junmyeon thinks it's kind of scary, how much has changed in so little time. He sees Jongdae's eyes and recognises the one who has changed is Junmyeon.
"Is it because I invited more people to our trip?" Jongdae asks in a soft voice. Junmyeon can tell he's hurt, and he has to remind himself to not take out his frustration on Jongdae. It's not his fault Junmyeon is a coward. "Are you going to brood and sulk because I'm leaving?" Junmyeon hears the undertones of 'and you're not'.
"This is not-" Junmyeon sighs, but Jongdae interrupts him.
"I'm not only leaving you, hyung. I'm leaving my family, my city, my memories, my life." There's a bit of sorrow in his voice, Junmyeon didn't know Jongdae was hiding it behind his soft smiles. They've been friends since freshman year, Junmyeon should have paid attention. Of course Jongdae would be scared of starting a new life in a completely different country. But even if it's scary, Jongdae is going to do it. He needs to do it in order to get what he wants, what he's been dreaming of.
"I'm in love with Luhan." Junmyeon finally says it out loud. Leaves it out in the open. It's the only truth Junmyeon needs right now.
"What!?" Jongdae startles. "Why didn't you te... I mean... when... Oh." Junmyeon sees the tail of Jongdae's thoughts. How he put the pieces together. "Oh."
"I know," Junmyeon says, plopping down on the bed again, defeated.
"What are you going to do now?" Jongdae smiles. "Did you tell him? Oh my God, hyung. Did you confess?"
"I did," Junmyeon relents. "But I didn't realise he had fallen asleep."
"That idiot."
This is familiar, sitting by Junmyeon's bed and talking about life. Sometimes Jongdae brought ddeokbokki and they watched old drama re-runs. Junmyeon is going to miss Jongdae. His easy smile and his friendliness, and how Jongdae was the first person who ever took the time to get to know Junmyeon and offer his friendship unconditionally.
As much as Junmyeon wants to stop time and stay in bed for the rest of eternity, Monday morning comes, unrelenting. He doesn't have to wake up because he couldn't fall asleep last night, but he still drags his body out of bed and walks groggily to the bathroom.
Jongdae left him breakfast on the kitchen table with a note that says, 'Hyung, Fighting!' And a doodle that looks like Luhan. Then again, Junmyeon's been seeing Luhan everywhere, so he doesn't think too much of it. He eats the dried pancakes Jongdae left before heading to his parents' house to say goodbye to his family and childhood friends.
Junmyeon arrives on time. He gives his name at the reception desk and a lady gives him a card to enter the building. The card has his name and photograph in it. Junmyeon stares at it for a long time without recognising himself, takes a deep breath, and passes the card over the card reader.
His boss welcomes him as soon as he gets off the elevator. Junmyeon knows he's doing it because he wants to keep good relations with Junmyeon's father. It's unnerving. Junmyeon's skin crawls. He wants to run down the stairs and onto the streets of Seoul, to Luhan's flat, on the other side of the river.
So he does. He leaves the man who never got to be his boss with a confused look on his face, and Junmyeon has never felt more proud of himself. He runs until he's out of breath, but he doesn't make it far. He gets to the train station panting, but he's never felt more satisfied.
It takes Junmyeon almost an hour to get to Luhan's flat. He had to change trains, and the walk from the station to the flat was uphill. He's sweaty, and madly in love.
It's Yixing who opens the door to the flat.
"Luhan went to buy... uhm... something," he tells Junmyeon. "Sorry, I forgot what it was. How is Jongdae?"
"He's fine. Getting ready to leave," Junmyeon answers. His palms are sweaty so he runs them up and down the expensive fabric of his pants. "Is he going to take long?"
"I don't know. You could try calling him." Yixing has bed hair. Junmyeon wonders if he woke him up when he rang the bell.
"Right." Junmyeon forgot how easy it is to communicate with people nowadays. The human race is astounding. They have come so far, they have made life so much easier. He searches for Luhan's phone on his contacts list, but he feels adrenaline pump through his veins. He never thought being a drop out could be so gratifying. He should have done it earlier, when his entire career, future, life were not on the line. But he doesn't care right now, he just wants to see Luhan and tell him how much he loves his face in the morning. "I'm just going to go look for him."
"But you don't know where he is." Yixing is always too calm and collected. It makes Junmyeon nervous. His feet are itching to get out of there.
"I'll ask him where he is and go find him." Junmyeon is struggling with his formal shoes. It took him less than five seconds to get them off his feet, but putting them on is always such a pain.
"Okay," Yixing says, his voice is as soft as ever. Then he winks, before Junmyeon gets out of the door. "Good luck."
Junmyeon finds Luhan while he's running down the hill with his phone pressed to his ear. Luhan looks at him a bit bewildered, and Junmyeon feels self-conscious about being in a suit all of a sudden.
"Junmyeon?"
"Hi." Junmyeon's heart is beating so loud he's afraid Luhan might hear it.
"Why are you here?" Luhan sets the bags he's carrying on the floor. They look heavy. Junmyeon should offer to help so they could both carry them to Luhan's flat. Get domestic, do the laundry and have sex while the washing machine is running, so Yixing and Yifan can't hear.
"I love you," Junmyeon pants. His hands are still sweaty and he’s a mess, but there's nothing he can do about it except offer Luhan his heart and hope that he takes it.
Luhan laughs, loud and clear. The sound resonates in Junmyeon's heart. It's not a mean laugh, but a good one.
Junmyeon starts laughing, too. He must look ridiculous. A sweaty young man wearing expensive clothes confessing to another male in the middle of the street on a summer morning. He covers his mouth with the back of his sweaty palm. Luhan reaches out and takes Junmyeon's hand in his. "The world may be shitty but it still deserves to see your smile," he says. Junmyeon sees stars in Luhan's eyes. Entire constellations.
“I’m in love with you.” Junmyeon’s heart is going to grow out of his chest.
“And I’m in love with you, idiot.”
"Is the offer still standing?" Junmyeon asks as they walk uphill. Luhan fishes out a bottle of water from one of the bags and gives it to Junmyeon.
"What offer?" Luhan struggles with the bags before Junmyeon steps in to help. He takes the one on Luhan's left hand.
"The one about me freeloading." Junmyeon feels light, as if he could say all that he wants to say and have no regrets afterwards. Like he did that last night at the beach, when he poured out his soul to Luhan.
Luhan laughs softly, then says, "I was only trying to get into your pants, but sure. I don't think Yixing would complain, and Yifan basically lives in Sooyeon's flat so... yeah. It's cool. When are you moving in?"
"Now?" Junmyeon asks. He feels good about things. He has a hundred lost calls from his father, but his heart thumps steady, finally at ease. He's calm and Luhan walks next to him. They have their whole lives ahead to worry about the future. He wants to focus on the present just for a little while.
"Okay," Luhan offers Junmyeon his hand, when he sees him panting. The road is too steep. Junmyeon's been living in Seoul all of his life, but he never got used to steep streets. "But I have to warn you. I don't let people in my bed, like, at all. Not even you. My bed is off-limits."
'Not even you', Junmyeon takes these words and treasures them on a corner of his heart.
"And you have to thank me, especially when you get published. You can only say nice things," Junmyeon smiles at this. Luhan is very ridiculous, but he doesn't mind Junmyeon's sweaty palm and dishevelled appearance.
"I'll dedicate you my first book," Junmyeon says. It's only natural. Ever since he met Luhan, there have only been first times for everything. He thinks about starting a new story. One about friendship and summer. About how someone can learn about himself while getting to know other people.
Notes:
1. The title comes from Blind Melon’s Sleepyhouse.
2. Authors mentioned by Junmyeon: Margaret Atwood, John Berger, and Banana Yoshimoto.
3. Sal and Dean are the main characters from On The Road, by Jack Kerouac.
4. Gyeokpo is a beach in Buan-gun, Jeollabukdo.
5. The book Junmyeon reads to Luhan is Wilderness Tips, by Margaret Atwood. In my head, Junmyeon’s favourite story, the one he reads to Luhan, is Weight.
6. Byeonsanbando is a National Park in Buan-gun, Jeollabukdo.
7. Family Outing is a Korean variety show that aired between 2008 and 2010. Please do check it out if you have time, you won’t regret it.
8. The book Junmyeon leaves on Kibum’s bed is If Nobody Speaks Of Remarkable Things, by Jon McGregor.
9. Mohang is a beach in Buan-gun, Jeollabukdo.
10. Gwangju is a large city in Gyeonggi-do.
11. The Happiness Of Enduring Hardships Together. Oh how ironic. We could’ve had it all.
12. Noksapyeong is a station, in Seoul. (Line number 6.)
Places mentioned in this fic:
Gyeopko beach.
Pension in Byeonsan.
Road back to Seoul.
The pictures belong to me, if you want to use them please ask first.