Love is a deeper season than reason

[hyemiyah]

EXO - Jongdae/Kyungsoo - PG - 5900 words

Kyungsoo may be, at the very least, in like with Jongdae.

Originally written for chenpionships, and posted here.
Warnings: Byun Baekhyun, brief mention of bullying, brief mention of sex.







All my love for Alicia, for carefully looking over this.

Kyungsoo doesn't have to look at Baekhyun to know that he's being teased.

"What's your deal with Jongdae, anyway?" Baekhyun's just being particularly irritating because Kyungsoo's not letting him eat. At least not until Jongdae gets home.

Kyungsoo's eyes don't leave the kimchi spaghetti when he replies with a listless voice. "There's no deal. There's no nothing. So stop annoying me and set the table."

Baekhyun scoffs but stands up and makes a big fuss over the cutlery. "We're only waiting for Jongdae," he retorts. (Kyungsoo hears 'we're always waiting for Jongdae’ instead.) "What about Chanyeol?"

"Chanyeol's probably coming home late again. You don't want to wait until 1 am to start eating, do you?" The kimchi spaghetti was done ten minutes ago, but Kyungsoo keeps stirring the noodles and adding little bits of things just to keep his hands busy. He knows if he sits at the table with Baekhyun he'll end up a murderer.

Baekhyun's taking out his anger on the plates now. Luckily they only have plastic ones—they live with Chanyeol after all. "But that's my point, why do we have to wait for Jongdae? I mean, how do you even know he's coming home right after work?"

‘Because Jongdae always comes home after work,’ Kyungsoo wants to say. He knows Baekhyun's just doing this out of spite, so he stays quiet. Baekhyun always raises hell when he's hungry. Just then, they hear someone unlocking the door.

"I'm home!" Jongdae shouts from the entrance.

There's a smirk on Kyungsoo's face, and his eyes don't leave Baekhyun as they listen to Jongdae’s complaints about the weather. "It's freaking cold outside, I thought my sexy butt was going to freeze."

"Nobody cares about your lame ass, Jongdae," Baekhyun yells back, then sticks out his tongue to Kyungsoo. "My ass, on the other hand-"

"Your ass is taken by someone who has to drive you around, we know." Jongdae makes his grand entrance to the kitchen, a smile spread across his face and his nose red from the cold. He’s too cute for his own good. Kyungsoo has to look away. "What does it feel like," Jongdae says while taking his usual seat on the table, "to have your girlfriend picking you up and dropping you off?"

"It feels awesome, thanks." Baekhyun doesn't miss a beat. "Are we finally going to eat or what?"

"You guys haven't eaten yet?" Jongdae asks with curious eyes that definitely don't make Kyungsoo's heart race. Jongdae's nose is still a bit red and his hair is sticking out in all directions after taking off his beanie. He looks adorable.

Kyungsoo tries very hard not to ruffle Jongdae's hair. That'd be embarrassingly awkward because Kyungsoo's not a touchy person. "We were waiting for you," he says, instead.

"You were waiting for me?" Jongdae is beaming. Kyungsoo wants to die.

"Don't we always wait for your stupid ass to start eating?" Baekhyun asks, and he has the audacity to sound indignant. One day Kyungsoo is going to kill Byun Baekhyun. "Seriously, you two are acting like newlyweds. I don't know what’s stopping you from fucking each other's brains out."

"SHUT UP, BAEKHYUN!" Kyungsoo's voice comes out harsher than he had intended to. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Jongdae smiling at him, though. "EAT YOUR FOOD."

"Wow! Capital letters." Baekhyun never shuts up. Kyungsoo closes his eyes and massages his temples. "I'm almost done anyway. Taeyeonie is coming to pick me up in a minute."

"Taeyeon-ie!?" asks Jongdae, teasingly. "You know she's three years older than you, right? I'll always wonder how you even got noona to look at your tacky self." Jongdae says the last part in a whisper, mostly to himself. Kyungsoo hears it loud and clear. Baekhyun probably does, too.

"You should ask him what she calls him," Kyungsoo says while he quietly twirls the noodles on his fork and spoon.

"What does noona call you, Baekhyunie?" Jongdae's wide smile contrasts the dark circles under his eyes. Baekhyun doesn't answer.

"She calls him 'baby,'" says Kyungsoo, triumphantly. Jongdae's loud laughter echoes through the flat. For a moment, all Kyungsoo can think of is how much he wants to hear the sound of Jongdae's laughter. Preferably forever.

"Whatever. I'm leaving." Baekhyun announces, and Kyungsoo wouldn't believe it if he weren’t seeing it with his own eyes but Baekhyun is blushing. "Later, losers."

"Say hi to Taeyeon noona for me, baby." Jongdae's voice carries a lot of mischief. Kyungsoo wonders how many Dirty Dancing jokes Jongdae’s come up with already.

Baekhyun's big fluffy winter coat and his beanie make him look ridiculous: the colours don't match, the coat is too big, and Baekhyun looks twelve. Kyungsoo wonders how someone like Kim Taeyeon sunbaenim could date someone like Byun Baekhyun. But Baekhyun looks happy, and Kyungsoo really is glad for his friend.

"I wonder who tops," Jongdae says as soon as Baekhyun's out the door. "I've always thought of Baekhyunie as the ultimate bottom, you know." He gives Kyungsoo an earnest smile. "Thanks for the food, Kyungsoo."

Kyungsoo is doomed.

✶

It all started like all the miserable things in his life start: with Byun Baekhyun.

Baekhyun and Chanyeol were mocking Kyungsoo after a prank they played on him. (This time, it was the fire alarm. Kyungsoo was taking a shower and he'd barely had time to grab something to cover himself other than his towel. His hair still had some shampoo that'd gone into his eye, blocked his view and made him fall flat on the floor—flashing his naked butt at two of his so called friends, who’d done nothing but laugh their asses off. The thought that he’s the youngest sometimes haunts him at night.)

"Your butt is very pale," Satan (alias Byun Baekhyun) had said afterwards. "It's cute and pale, just like you."
"You seriously shouldn't talk to me while I'm holding a knife." Kyungsoo always cooks whenever he feels distressed, which happens too often. Living with three noisy children is horrible for his health.

Chanyeol appeared in the kitchen with his cell phone in hand. "Now, who wants this very artistic picture of Kyungsoo lying on the floor with his tiny butt sticking out?"

Kyungsoo turned around, knife in hand, and started walking towards Chanyeol.

"Why didn't you tell me he had a weapon?" Chanyeol asked Baekhyun.

"Don't worry. I don't think he'll kill us," Baekhyun said, a smug look on his face.

"You want to bet?" Kyungsoo asked, threateningly. He was sure Jesus himself would come down and thank him for erasing Baekhyun off the face of the Earth.

Chanyeol hid behind Baekhyun, who hid behind innocent bystander Jongdae.

"What's going on? Why is Kyungsoo pointing a knife at you two?" Jongdae asked, bewildered. Chanyeol passed his cell phone to Baekhyun, who passed it to Jongdae.

"Don't!"

But Jongdae was already looking at the picture of Kyungsoo's very naked butt. Kyungsoo swore he was going to finally commit murder that day. He mentally apologised to his mother for the shame he was going to cast upon the Do family.

"Awwww whose butt is this? Is this Kyungsoo?" Jongdae didn't seem to mind the fact that Kyungsoo had a deadly weapon in his hand. Baekhyun and Chanyeol, the cowards, giggled behind Jongdae.

"Shut up you morons!" Kyungsoo shouted, moving closer to Jongdae, who stood his ground.

"Yah, this is cute. You should be proud." Jongdae said. Kyungsoo had never really noticed before, but Jongdae's eyes were very pretty "You have a cute butt. Baekhyun's butt is too big it's always knocking stuff and Chanyeol's butt is basically non-existent."

Kyungsoo opened his mouth to say something and then closed it once he realized he didn’t really have anything to say. He heard Baekhyun and Chanyeol complaining, and thought that if there ever was a real fire, he'd grab Jongdae, lock Baekhyun and Chanyeol in the flat, and watch the building burn down from a safe distance. Kyungsoo may be, at the very least, in like with Jongdae.

✶

"What happened to you?" Jongdae keeps his voice nonchalant despite Baekhyun looking like someone just ate the pudding he was saving for dessert.

"Had a fight with Taeyeonie, I don't want to talk about it." There's a note of finality in Baekhyun's voice. Kyungsoo is certain everybody in the room can hear it, too.

"Well of course that’s the only thing we can talk about. What did you do?" asks Chanyeol with a faux concerned face, putting his arm around Baekhyun's neck and taking him to the couch to sit next to Jongdae. The two wear twin looks of constipation, in Kyungsoo's eyes.

Baekhyun should have thought twice before saying anything. But Baekhyun has never been very good at keeping his mouth shut.

"Why are you assuming it was my fault?" Baekhyun must be really hurt if he's letting Chanyeol do whatever he wants with him without any complaint. He's squished onto the couch between Chanyeol and Jongdae. Kyungsoo's sitting comfortably on the floor. They'd been watching a stupid movie when Baekhyun came home. Chanyeol’s gigantic legs draped over the couch, while Kyungsoo rested his back against Jongdae's shins.

"Because noona is flawless. She doesn't have a single flaw." Chanyeol nods while saying this and he's petting Baekhyun's head with his right hand. Jongdae nods, too and Kyungsoo may be nodding as well, just internally.

"Well, it was her fault this time. You're supposed to be my friends, why are you always on her side?" asks Baekhyun. He fails to free himself from Chanyeol's grip. Kyungsoo almost feels sorry for him… almost.

"Shall I give her a call and tell her nobody puts baby in a corner?" Jongdae says as he rubs circles on Baekhyun's back. "Will that make baby feel better?"

Baekhyun leans into the touch, like a puppy. "Uhm... wait what? No!" He manages to get himself out of the couch. "Why do I even keep you guys around? You're horrible people."

Chanyeol laughs so hard he falls from the couch, next to Kyungsoo. He's too close so Kyungsoo kicks him until he rolls to the other side, still laughing and clapping.

"Kyungsoo's here too and he's not horrible," says Jongdae. Kyungsoo stops looking at Chanyeol with disgust and looks up at Jongdae, who blinks at him. Kyungsoo feels a blush creeping up his neck. Baekhyun snorts. Chanyeol sits up and wipes his tears with the back of his left hand.

"When I was on my date earlier he sent me a text asking if Taeyeon had broken up with me already." Baekhyun says, accusingly.

"He didn't!" says Jongdae out loud. Kyungsoo is sure he's staring at him so he does the first thing he can think of, which is kicking Chanyeol, who is laughing again and clapping like a circus seal.

"That was revenge for using up all the hot water this morning." Nothing pisses Kyungsoo more than Byun Baekhyun and cold showers in the winter. He had to deal with both today—not that he doesn't have to deal with Baekhyun on a daily basis. His life is a tragedy.

"You know, Kyungsoo, rather than focusing on my love life, you should start worrying about yours." Baekhyun's voice is filled with mockery. He drops himself on the couch and runs a hand down Jongdae's chest, absentmindedly. Kyungsoo hates Baekhyun so much.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kyungsoo says, but he's sure his ears have already turned red.

"Is our Kyungsoo in love?" Jongdae asks with curious eyes. He's an idiot. Baekhyun's an idiot, too.

"Who is it, Kyungsoo? Is it me?" Chanyeol is the most idiotic of them all.

"It's no one." Kyungsoo tries to keep his voice as unemotional as possible, but he can feel his entire face burning. Jongdae is looking at him with those dumb camel eyes and he can feel his stomach doing somersaults against his ribs.

"Awww, our Kyungsoo fell in love," says Jongdae, reaching out to scratch Kyungsoo's chin. "How cute is that?"
Kyungsoo opens his mouth to say something but Jongdae's face is much too close to his. He closes his mouth and flushes all over.

"Ah, so this is how it is?" Baekhyun asks. Kyungsoo had forgotten he was still there. "You two are so dumb. Kyungsoo, you should just-"

"Shut up, Baekhyun!" Whatever Baekhyun's thinking, Kyungsoo knows it's a bad idea. He glares at Baekhyun, mentally killing him in five hundred different ways.

"Whatever," says Baekhyun while getting up from the couch and walking to his room. "I just hope you know you're being stupid."

Jongdae's looking back and forth from Kyungsoo's face to Baekhyun's.

"Wait, what's going on?" Ah, Chanyeol was still here too. Kyungsoo had hoped he died laughing. Nothing ever goes the way he wants to.

"Shut up, Chanyeol!" Both Baekhyun and Kyungsoo yell.

✶

Ever since Kyungsoo was little, he'd always been made fun of for his height and his looks. He'd learnt not to care much about what other boys said about him like his mother told him, but sometimes he'd felt lonely. Sometimes he wanted to laugh with other kids. Sometimes he wanted to belong.

He meets Jongdae when he's in his last year of elementary school. One of the big boys in class followed Kyungsoo while he was on his way home, cornered him in an empty alley, and demanded that Kyungsoo give him his colouring pencils, the ones Kyungsoo’s father had brought back for him from a trip overseas. Kyungsoo refused to give the boy anything, so the boy kept being yanking his backpack.

"What are you doing?" The yanking had stopped abruptly, and Kyungsoo was thankful for whomever that voice belonged to. His shoulders hurt too much.

"Shut up, shorty. Go home!" the bully shouted back.

"Shorty!?" Kyungsoo could see the boy behind the voice. He expected someone taller, or at least less tiny. "Chanyeol-ah, come here. There's some fatty beating up a kid."

"Who are you calling fatty?"

"You, obviously. Duh!" Another kid came into view. Another tiny kid, one who could shout as loud as the first. "Do you see any other fat people around here? Because I can't."

Fatty dropped Kyungsoo to the ground, and he went after the two kids, who didn't bother running because then a third kid appeared, and he was tall.

"My dad always says that with great strength comes great responsibility," the tall kid said. Kyungsoo thought he was going to be beaten up and lose all his colouring pencils. But much to his surprise, fatty had stopped in his tracks and started walking the other way, sulking.

"Yeah, that's right! Go running to your mama, you fat coward!" The second kid, the loudest of the three, shouted.
"Shut up, Baekhyun," the first kid said. "What if he comes back? You know Chanyeol can't fight."

"I can fight," said the tall kid.

"Yeah, right. You can't even quote properly. It's with 'great power,' idiot. Not 'great strength.'"

Kyungsoo walked over to thank them. They did end up saving him, after all.

"Hi. My name is Jongdae," the first kid said. "And these are Baekhyun and Chanyeol."

Baekhyun and Chanyeol waved at him.

"I'm Kyungsoo. Thanks for helping me."

"Why are you going home alone?" Jongdae asked.

Kyungsoo shrugged.

"You should walk with us. Do you live around here? My house is around the corner. Baekhyun's house is next to mine. Chanyeol lives three blocks away." Jongdae's voice dropped to a whisper. "We only use him for defense."

"Yeah. 'Cuz he's tall and has a deep voice. But we can't let him smile because then our defense will be ruined." Baekhyun said, and then snorted. "He thinks he can be a superhero or something. And he's not going to be tall for long. My mum says kids who grow up fast end up being the shortest."

Kyungsoo thought these two kids talked too much.

"I can hear everything you're saying!" Chanyeol shouted at them.

After that day, Kyungsoo stopped walking home alone.

✶

Kyungsoo knows coming to this party was a bad idea, but he also knows he's utterly defenseless against Jongdae's whiny requests. In the end, he was half dragged to Junmyeon's fancy house across the city, by an eager Chanyeol and an excited Jongdae.

Their eagerness hadn't faded away even when they decided to ditch Kyungsoo straight after walking inside the house.

"I didn't know Kyungsoo was coming," says Junmyeon to no one in particular, since Chanyeol and Jongdae are already moving past him. From the look in his eyes, Kyungsoo can tell he's already had a couple of drinks.

"I didn't know you were the type to throw parties, hyung." Kyungsoo shoots back while watching Jongdae's retreating back, then looks back at Junmyeon.

"I shouldn't have mentioned my parents were celebrating their anniversary in a different country," Junmyeon says, scratching his neck. It’s a sign that Kyungsoo has learnt over the years that means Junmyeon's bashful. "At least not to your flatmates. You know how excited they get about parties."

"Right. The kids." Junmyeon is only one year older but he acts like everyone's father. It's unusual for him to even drink. "Is Baekhyun in the party? I didn't see him in the flat."

"Baekhyunie? Yes," says Junmyeon, enunciating each word carefully. "He came earlier with Taeyeon-sunbae." Kyungsoo hadn't noted it before but Junmyeon's cheeks are pink.

"Did he force you to drink, hyung?" If someone could convince model-student Kim Junmyeon to inebriate himself and take advantage of his parent-less house to throw a party, it’d be Byun Baekhyun.

Junmyeon chuckles unattractively and scratches his neck again. "No, I decided to do that by myself,” he says. Kyungsoo thinks Junmyeon shouldn't laugh if this is how he's going to look like when he does.

"But was that your idea? Or was it Baekhyun's?"

"You know me too well, Kyungsoo-yah."

"I don't think I know you as well as I know Baekhyun, hyung." Junmyeon laughs again, earnestly, as with everything he does. He doesn't even try to hide his smile with the back of his hand like he usually does.

"He told me if I threw a party he'd convinced Taeyeon-sunbae to bring Seo Joohyun with her," Junmyeon says, as earnest as ever. Kyungsoo sees hope in his eyes, and it's ridiculous, just as everything Byun Baekhyun plans, but he knows Junmyeon means well.

"Did he tell you to get drunk, too?" Junmyeon's laugh is light and soft, and this time, he covers it with the back of his hand.

"No, I told you I did that on my own. I thought it'd make things easier." Junmyeon says, still laughing a little. It's sort of cute, how love can make even an immaculate student like Kim Junmyeon become careless.

"Was it worth it?"

"Yeah, we exchanged phone numbers and she told me she enjoys reading my column in the newspaper," Junmyeon glows. "I didn't even know she knew who I was.”

"Everybody knows who you are, hyung," Kyungsoo says. It's true; there isn't a single student on campus who doesn't know chaebol Kim Junmyeon. "If you two were already one step closer to marriage, why are you wasting your time here with me?"

"Are you going to be alright all by yourself, Kyungsoo?"

"I don't need anyone to take care of me," Kyungsoo says indignantly. Junmyeon holds both his hands up in defeat, turns on his heels, and almost knocks down a freshman in an attempt to be reunited with the love of his life.

Kyungsoo thinks maybe there's a lesson to be learned from this conversation. At least Junmyeon is going after what he wants.







If Kyungsoo were sober, he'd leave Jongdae alone and mind his own business. But he can't stop his eyes from scanning the rooms, looking for high perfectly shaped cheekbones, bow-shaped lips, and an annoyingly loud voice. He finds Jongdae sitting comfortably next to Kim Jongin.

If Kyungsoo were sober, he'd turned around and leave them alone. But he’s not sober and Jongdae's laughter is making his heart do… things. Things that hearts normally don't do.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt," he says, regretting his words immediately. Now he’s made them aware of his presence. Despite his words, he stays in place. Jongdae comes to his side, and if Kyungsoo were sober he wouldn't have flashed a victorious smile at that Kim Jongin kid.

"Kyungsoo-yah," Jongdae sing songs. "Remember Jonginie? Look how much he's grown. He used to be so cute and now he's turned into a bangable lad."

"Ah, hyung," says Jongin, embarrassed. "Don't say that."

"It's the honest truth," Jongdae says. Kyungsoo feels the sudden urge to throw up. He shouldn't have drunk so much. He gets himself free from Jongdae's grip, and then misses the warmth of Jongdae's body right away. "I'm just going to go," he says. "I'm not feeling very well."

"Do you want me to go with you?" Jongdae's looking at him with nothing but concern in his eyes. Kyungsoo is going to throw up all over him.

"Yeah, thanks." If Kyungsoo were sober he'd say no, but the alcohol is not letting him think straight. His brain feels fuzzy.

"I'm going to take Kyungsoo home. I think he had enough excitement for one night." Jongdae grabs a hold of Kyungsoo's arm again, and even if Kyungsoo's nausea recedes, his heart is beating too fast for him to ignore it. He's never drinking again.

"You're drunk, too." Kyungsoo manages to say.

"But not as drunk as you." Jongdae's body is so warm against him. It feels so comfortable, like home. Kyungsoo could get used to it. "Later, Jonginie. Don't do anything I wouldn't."

"Get home safe, hyungs." Is all Jongin says.







It's too late to find taxis in this area of the city, so they have to walk a few blocks. Kyungsoo doesn't mind; he still feels a little nauseous but the air clears his head and his heart steadies. He might still be a bit drunk, though, because he can't seem to stop the words from coming out of his mouth.

"What were you doing there, with Jongin?" he asks. Jongdae's grip on Kyungsoo's arm is still firm.

"We were chatting. Why do you ask?" Jongdae says, with a grin in his face. Kyungsoo wants to punch him, leave a bruise right on that upturned corner of his mouth because, is he an idiot?

"Are you an idiot?" Kyungsoo tries to get himself free from Jongdae's hold without succeeding. The nausea is coming back.

"What do you mean?" There's actual confusion in Jongdae's face. He is an idiot.

"Are you serious?" Kyungsoo asks. Jongdae lets go off his arm, causing Kyungsoo to stumble back a couple of steps; his body is already opposing the idea of Jongdae not being there. Jongdae stretches his arms out for Kyungsoo, but he's too angry—and drunk—to take the help. "You know very well how Chanyeol feels about him."

Kyungsoo must have said something wrong, because Jongdae looks hurt. "I know how Chanyeol feels about Jonginie, Kyungsoo. That's why I was talking to him." Jongdae's voice can be so soft sometimes.

"It didn't seem like you two were just talking." Kyungsoo is going to regret his life so much in the morning.
"I've known the kid since we were little. He's like my little brother," says Jongdae, resentful. "Why don't you just tell me what you really want to say?"

Kyungsoo doesn't know what he really wants to say, so he stays quiet. He doesn't even know why he's doing this. Whatever Jongdae does with his life is none of his business. And if he were honest with himself, he'd admit what really makes him so upset is the thought of Jongdae flirting with Kim Jongin.

"Let's get you home, drunkard." Jongdae says putting his arm around Kyungsoo, who realises much to his chagrin, Jongdae's already forgiven him without him saying he was sorry. Jongdae's always too nice to people.

"You're too nice, Jongdae-yah." Kyungsoo turns to look at Jongdae and he watches the shadow of Jongdae's eyelashes against his high cheekbones, and damn, he's beautiful.

He's not sure if he said the last part out loud, but Jongdae's looking at him, too. There's something in his eyes Kyungsoo can't name. Something that makes his stomach turn and his heart beat fast against his chest. Jongdae's getting too close. Kyungsoo can feel his warmth, despite the cold winter weather. If Kyungsoo closes his eyes, he wouldn’t be able to see Jongdae's long eyelashes, so he doesn't. He doesn't close his eyes even when he feels Jongdae's chapped lips against his own. It's a chaste kiss, no tongue involved. Jongdae doesn’t give Kyungsoo time to react. To kiss him back.

"Oh, shit. Kyungsoo, I'm so sorry... I..." Kyungsoo's too startled to say anything. He didn't even realise he had opened his mouth until he inhaled the chilly wind. Jongdae's hand is not keeping him in place anymore, Kyungsoo feels like he's floating. He needs Jongdae to keep his feet on the ground except Jongdae's not touching him. Why won't he touch him? Kyungsoo feels so dizzy. He ends up throwing up in Jongdae's tennis shoes.







The next morning Kyungsoo wakes up with a nasty headache and a feeling of emptiness in his heart. He remembers passing out after throwing up on Jongdae. But mostly he remembers how comfortable he had felt having Jongdae's warm body keeping him in place, how Jongdae's lips had felt against his own, if only for a nanosecond. He remembers Jongdae's brilliant smile, his long eyelashes, his obnoxious laughter, and he feels like Jongdae could be his home.

Kyungsoo finds a bottle of water on his bedside table with a post-it that says, 'hope you're feeling better.' He hasn't opened the bottle when he realises he's already feeling better. He needs to talk to Jongdae.







Except Kyungsoo doesn't see Jongdae for an entire week. This is odd because Jongdae always comes home after his shifts at the library. Kyungsoo's not stupid and he also knows Jongdae too well. Jongdae's avoiding him.

"You dumbasses need to talk to each other," Baekhyun says. It's yet another dinner Jongdae's missing. Kyungsoo misses Jongdae, and not only because Jongdae made dinners with Baekhyun more bearable. He misses his smile and his friendliness. He misses his friend. "And I mean talk, face to face. Not leave post-its in the fridge."

The past week they’ve been communicating through nothing but post-its. Kyungsoo didn't know how to thank him for taking him home. He didn't know how to apologise for probably ruining Jongdae’s tennis shoes either—he had looked for them, to take them to the cleaners to see if they could do something about them, but he hadn't found them anywhere.

He didn't know how to tell Jongdae he may be in, like, love with him, or something. And Jongdae hadn't made it easy either, since he was already in bed when Kyungsoo came home from his student council meetings and he left for his morning classes when Kyungsoo was still sleeping. So the only thing Kyungsoo thought he could do was leave a post it in the fridge, saying, 'I'm sorry for ruining your shoes. I'll pay for them if you want,' and another one that said, 'Thank you for bringing me home, and for the water.'

Kyungsoo found Jongdae's answers the morning after: 'It's okay. I have awesome reflexes so I avoided most of it.' Kyungsoo was so grateful for Jongdae's sense of decency. The last thing he needs is Baekhyun and Chanyeol making fun of him. And right next to it another post it said, 'Any time, Kyungsoo-yah.'

"How can I talk to him if we're never home at the same time?" Kyungsoo asks a little exasperated. He doesn't need Baekhyun telling him what he needs to do.

"You know where he works." Baekhyun's talking with his mouth full of food. "Go there, find him. Talk to him. You two are being idiots. Not that you aren't normally, but you're being bigger idiots than normal."

"You shouldn't eat when you have food in your mouth," Kyungsoo says. He doesn’t want to deal with how right Baekhyun is. "Weren't you supposed to learn that in kindergarten?"

Baekhyun opens his mouth, still full of half chewed food. Kyungsoo sees pieces of rice, mushroom and tofu and he swears to the heavens he's going to start putting cucumbers in all his meals from now on. Baekhyun hates cucumbers.

"He told me what happened, you know?" Kyungsoo stops picking on his food, and when he looks up he finds Baekhyun's serious eyes on him. "You should talk to him, Kyungsoo. I mean it."







Kyungsoo doesn't have to go to the library to find Jongdae. He skips his student council meeting that night and waits for Jongdae to get home.

Jongdae on the other hand, apparently had other plans because he comes home even later than usual. Kyungsoo is in the living room, and he can hear Jongdae punching the passcode outside the door. He must be drunk because he fails a couple of times, and starts saying the numbers out loud while pressing them. Kyungsoo goes to open the door before their entire floor find out their password.

"What are you doing? You're going to wake up the entire building," says Kyungsoo, he should be annoyed but really he's just glad to see his friend. Jongdae staggers a little, startled by Kyungsoo's sudden appearance, but is quick to recover.

"I'm sorry, Kyungsoo," Jongdae's trying to whisper but he's too drunk so his voice comes out like a loud whiny hiss. "Did you guys change the password? Is this another one of your pranks?"

"Nobody changed the password, Jongdae. You're just drunk." Kyungsoo says, they're still standing awkwardly by the door and Jongdae's still not inside the flat, so Kyungsoo grabs his arm and leads him in.

Jongdae giggles, but his body easily follows Kyungsoo's lead. "I'm drunk, aren't I?"

"Yes, you are." Kyungsoo suppresses a smile. "Why did you drink so much? You still have to go to class in the morning."

"Mmm..." Jongdae's trying to take off his shoes, but he hasn't let go off Kyungsoo's hand. It's too cute, Kyungsoo hates cute. It’s a side-effect of being called cute all his life, just because of his height and his looks. But he finds he doesn't mind cute if it comes from Jongdae.

"You're a mess." Kyungsoo says, smiling and helping Jongdae with his shoes. Jongdae's still holding his hand. Kyungsoo doesn't mind.

When they both stand up, Jongdae rests his forehead on Kyungsoo's left shoulder. The position must be awkward for him, since he's still a couple inches taller than Kyungsoo, but the warmth of his body makes Kyungsoo's chest ache.

"I'm sorry, Kyungsoo-yah," says Jongdae, softly. Kyungsoo feels as if his whole body were on fire. "I shouldn't have kissed you, I'm sorry I ruined everything." He sounds so defeated and all Kyungsoo wants to do is touch him. "Can we go back to being friends? I promise... I won't... do that again." Kyungsoo doesn't believe in hell but he thinks that's where he's going for everything he's done to Jongdae. "Please, Kyungsoo. I miss you."

"I missed you too," Kyungsoo says. "You didn't ruin anything, Jongdae." If there was anybody ruining anything, that person would be Kyungsoo.

"Yes, I did," Jongdae says, "I kissed you and you were so disgusted you threw up on my shoes."

For Jongdae, touching people had always been so easy. Kyungsoo knows Jongdae's confident enough to do so without thinking, and he had always envied that about Jongdae. Kyungsoo's always been too uncomfortable in his own skin to try and make physical contact with other people. But he knows Jongdae's worth it, so he rests one hand on the nape of Jongdae's neck.

"I threw up because I had too much to drink, silly. I'd like to kiss you again, if you don't mind."

Jongdae raises his head to look at him and Kyungsoo falls in love all over again.

"Here's the part where you say you don't mind."







Kyungsoo wakes up in Jongdae's bed the next morning, fully clothed and heart full. He thinks maybe he could get used to this. He gets out of bed, missing the warmth of Jongdae's body and the way they both fit so perfectly together in Jongdae's tiny bed. Being short has its advantages. When he gets to the door, he hears his friends talking in the living room. They're all so noisy even this early in the morning.

"I can't believe you and tiny little Kyungsoo... I mean, I didn't even know he was gay," Chanyeol says.

"I don't think he's gay," Jongdae's voice is so full and so clear.

"Well, Jongdae. I'm sorry to inform you but you're not actually, you know, a woman. So he must be gay." Kyungsoo swears to the heavens he's going to kill Baekhyun one day, and dump his body in the depths of Han River.

"That's not what I mean," Jongdae says, “I think he doesn't care if it's a boy or a girl? It's love anyway, right? It shouldn't matter." Kyungsoo wonders how he hasn't realised it before, but Jongdae is the closest thing to perfect he's ever known.

"That still makes him hella gay," Baekhyun says.

Kyungsoo takes this as his cue to leave the room. He finds Jongdae, Baekhyun, and Chanyeol sitting in the couch, video game long forgotten. The TV screen flashes GAME OVER in bright letters. "What's wrong with that?" Kyungsoo deadpans. Baekhyun actually jumps from his seat. "I don't remember judging you when you kissed Chanyeol that time, at his sister's party."

"That only happened once!" Baekhyun's turning bright red. Chanyeol's shit eating grin is offensive to Kyungsoo, so he turns to look at Jongdae, instead. Jongdae pats the empty space next to him.

"That still makes you hella gay," says Kyungsoo, taking the seat Jongdae offered. Jongdae's hair is sticking out in every direction and this time Kyungsoo runs a hand through it, trying to smooth it.

"Someone please remind me why do I keep you guys around," Baekhyun declares dramatically.

"We should be the ones asking that question, Baekhyunie," Chanyeol says. Kyungsoo and Jongdae nod in agreement.

"The question we should be asking right now is, are you gay, Kyungsoo?"

Kyungsoo knows it's an honest question. He's only dated one girl in the past and that was in high school, more than two years ago. Despite all the teasing and the name calling, he knows Baekhyun just wants to make sure he's not going to ruin their friendship, and more importantly, that he's not going to break Jongdae's heart.

"I don't know," he says, is the most honest answer he can give right now. "I've never been attracted to guys before, so I don't think so."

"But Jongdae is a guy." Chanyeol chimes in.

"No. Jongdae is… Jongdae." Kyungsoo closes his mouth and thinks for a moment. "What I mean is; I don't think I'm into guys. I'm only into Jongdae. Not guys, just Jongdae." He turns to Jongdae to see if he got his point across and all he can see is that Jongdae is glowing. Kyungsoo's heart is going to combust. How did he get to this place? All he wants to do right now is curl up in his bed and hide under his covers, with Jongdae by his side.

"Now that is hella gay," Baekhyun says. "Are you going to make Chanyeol and me uncomfortable by having hot gay sex in the flat?"

"Please shut up," Jongdae says.

Kyungsoo wonders how much weight he will need to sink Baekhyun's body in the river.